Why I never got married

You are in for a logical, practical ride; and not an expected tearful ride :)

Raw and Real conversation

In the December of 2019, I was hospitalised because of an emergency. A severe gastric issue. Eventually discharged within 3-4 days.

My Mom travelled all the way from my hometown of Kota to Delhi (by getting tatkal tickets booked by an agent, who only does AC tickets) just to take care of me. One of those mornings in the hospital, she said to me, “You are getting ill often. I think you should get married.”

This was my third emergency hospitalisation in the last two years. One of those years that made me remember the route to the emergency ward of the hospital.

My response: “I am hospitalised 5 days of the year. What do I do to the husband for the rest 360 days?”

We both broke down laughing.

But as I think about that instance today, I am glad I never made the decision to get married. Even though I was 28 at the time and my Mom was right as per societal norms.

Now that I am 34 and happily single on choice, here are the reasons I think I never got married:

I am my best self alone. I am jumping around. Or sitting very quietly on a couch with feet on the ottoman. Or just being. I know like I know like I know that I could never be this person with anyone else. I even cry while watching “I can do it with a broken heart” Eras tour performance or listening to “All too well 10-minute-version” or listening to even this meditation song, something I could never do around anyone, not even my Mom or siblings or niblings.

A marriage is a life full of compromise. Even the apparently happiest people are compromising every day in their marriage. Their garden of roses is no short of thorns too, which is a part and parcel of that garden of roses. What if I do not want to compromise? What if I want to do yoga at 5 am because I want to, and there is no need to compromise for a “spouse’s timings” or “adjust as per kids’ school”? What if I want to take an instant flight or train and not worry about anything other than informing my parents about it?

I really really do not understand how as adults we grow up to become connoisseurs of compromise just because we accept it as a default.

Do not want to share my life with anyone. Why should I tell someone why I ordered something. Or why should I show my shopping haul to someone? Or why should I consult someone before making a financial decision? Or why should I commute/not commute/work from home just because it makes anyone else’s life easier?

On the face of it it looks like a selfish thing to do to not adjust with others. And I am here to tell you that I do adjust a lot. It’s not worth blabbering here. But that does not mean you add a whole another family and responsibilities to compound that, especially if that is something you don’t want.

Never understood the lore of marriage as a kid. A lot of girls dream about their wedding from early on. Or manufacture such dreams as they become adults. I was never fascinated by this concept. The very thing of leaving your own comfort zone to go build with someone else never ever entered my mind, let alone grow. Many many many years ago I had made a paid shaadi dot com profile on the insistence of my Mom. One guy asked “so you are ready to move to Mumbai from Delhi after marriage?” When I told this to my Mom, “Itna padha likha kar aapne bada kiya, kaam ke liye apne dil ke tukde ko Delhi bheja, aur ab koi aapki beti ko apne sheher le jayega…kya ye zindgai hai?” This one statement, inter alia, perhaps convinced me as well as my Mom that I would never get married.

Of course spirituality has helped. It’s been 11 years since I go to Brahma Kumaris center daily. They prescribe celibacy as one of the core tenets of life. We are a soul, not a body. Since we are not a body, what is the point of being attracted towards other human bodies for our needs? Especially the needs that make us need more? Pavitrata sukh shanti ki janani hai, is the principle they teach. Translated: Purity (celibacy) gives birth to happiness and peace in life. I know this is not for everyone, but this has made sense to me more and more every single day. So why not make it a life principle?

(Side note: Even in layman terms, physical intimacy is referred to as “dirty talk”, because that is what it is — dirty.)

As you read this and as I tell people of this in bits and pieces, here are some of the frequently asked questions:

Q: How did I convince my parents?

Actually I didn’t. Unfortunately none of my three elder sisters is in a happy marriage. So since I am financially and emotionally independent and my parents see that, along with having no example to give me of a “happy marriage”, I think that was enough. Also early on I have had conversations with them with all of the above reasons, especially celibacy.

At this point, for the last 5-6 years, no one in our family or even extended family have touched the topic of my “marriage”. They are over the fact if I would ever get married. Everyone has happily moved on to discuss marriage of my younger cousins. I am unquestioned on all family functions. They even don’t mind me cooking/eating at home and not eating the restaurant food :)

Q: Life is big, what if I need someone else?

I think even if you choose to get married, you should never do that for a reason of wanting or needing someone. You should be happy within yourself no matter what, which is only when you would really enjoy the company of anyone, be it friends or family or a potential partner.

Q: What do I do when I need someone?

Actually I have found myself to be a loner since always. I can be in my own company for days, weeks, months; do my writing, and never feel the need of needing anyone. As a matter of fact, during Covid when all trains stopped functioning in March 2020, I was glad that I could not go back from Noida to my hometown in Kota, since I would get a lot of alone time. It’s a different thing that my parents arranged for a chauffeur driven and shared car in May and got me there, yet you get the drift :))

Q: How do I shut up naysayers?

I am very selective about my company ever since 2012, when I actively got into the habit of reading self-help daily. So I anyway keep myself miles away from naysayers. Not because they will bring the “marriage” question, but because hanging around with naysayers is anyway harmful for your mental and emotional well-being.

Q: What if…

I know there are many questions, but if you choose to walk on a path on your own accord and are determined to stick to it, every way opens up. Nonetheless, if you have any other question, please feel free to ask as an email response or in the comments section.

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At the end, though, I would like to suggest you to never get married just because biological clock is ticking or there is family pressure or to satisfy your physical needs. If at all you do it, it should never be a compromise. But if you choose to never do it, you will unlock a degree of internal joy and freedom you didn’t know existed.

It might also seem like this is an anti-marriage post. Nope. I dance the most at weddings of cousins/friends. If you go get married, I’m happy for you. But for the small bit that has been oscillating between this decision, I think this piece would help them.

2 Raw One-Liners (of others that I loved):

• “Sometimes you need to allow life to save you from what you want.” —Brandon Stanton

• “The truth. It is a beautiful and terrible thing, and should therefore be treated with great caution.” – Dumbledore

3 (for) Real fun pictures/videos that I’d like to share with you:

(PS: We won’t make it a regular feature because then I’d be performing for the social instead of living my life. But as a rare occurrence, here you go :))

1. We had a pizza party at our spiritual class last weekend. We procured it from someone who comes at the spiritual class daily and runs a baking biz. A friend clicked this picture of me being engrossed in it. In my defense, I never eat junk but a party with a friends once a rarity is acceptable. Still, your girl skipped the patty and gave it to the colony watchman (it was not jhootha).

   

   Girls don’t like being mota, so my size is S but I’m looking big because of draping the shawl. Phew.

2. Cut my hair short. Please like, share, subscribe :)

   

3. In my Dubai trip last month, I took just one video during our long drive from Dubai to Abu Dhabi. It coincidentally captured some Dubai specific stuff. Watch till the end :) We also need to give credit to the driver for Atif songs only throughout the period of the drive <3

Alright then boys and girls, I quite liked how today’s newsletter turned out. I’d been missing this element of honest conversations for quite some time over here, but I guess oscillation is the law of creativity. We just need to keep showing up.

Thank you for reading.

See you later, alligator.

Nishtha Gehija

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