Raw and Real Conversation
This is not another “men versus women” campaign.
It is in reality a women versus women conversation.
Which is why, I want all men to hang around here as well.
I was around 13 years old, when I first learnt we women had to learn to read the room.
The best worst part is, I learnt it by reading the room of other women around myself, and no one taught it to me.
I am glad no woman before me taught it to me, because in her heart she perhaps knew this habit of reading rooms is going to put a mental pressure on her for the rest of her life.
Ah, but I still read the room. The irony. Also, I did not read what was in the hearts of my mother and sisters, who had become qualified by then to hide their feelings, so that no one could read the room.
“I do not want to make it a big thing” has now become a really big thing in every woman’s life.
Btw, what do I mean by “reading a room”?
Well, to begin with, women are by default more empathetic.
Second, we do not make a big thing of our big (or small) issues. We know in our hearts that the life we have is the life our ancestor women did not have, and all we want to do is move forward in it, and not waste an ounce of time making a fuss about what we went through this morning as you were juggling a million responsibilities.
Thirdly, we women are consistent at everything we do. If we make a commitment, no matter what, we will fulfil it. It is a great trait to have at work and at home, but at work, it is only exploited. And at home, we are expected to follow suit.
A bit about men’s nature
I once saw a fun reel where a brother is teaching her sister about the nature of men. Both are in their early 20s.
The brother asks the sister to fall on his hands at the back. And promises to hold her.
When she falls back, he doesn’t hold her!
Lesson number one, he says: Men lie!
He then apologises to her sister, and promises this time he would hold her for sure.
And then, he lets her fall again!
Lesson number two: Men say sorry, but they are still lying!
What this means: Men are inherently committed to never being committed to their commitments. I am not speaking just about romantic relationships, but look at any personal or professional interaction, there is usually a pattern.
Which makes their behaviour inconsistent.
(I know some reaallly nice men reading this want to unsubscribe just by reading this. Okay, I get it you are not one of these. But I hope you recognise you are an exception and not the norm? And I hope you realise that the men I am describing are most men around you, in some way or the other?)
If men tell you they will do something for 30 days, mostly they will be absent for the first 5 days. So when they do come in for the 6th day, everyone will worship them.
All of this is so coded in our mindset, that we do not even recognise when it becomes toxic. Because we are busy worshipping the man who has finally appeared. If on the other hand, a woman did not show up for 5 days after making a commitment, it is only because she has died. No other reason.
And I do not blame the masculinity for it. A lot of it is rooted in our culture and upbringing.
But you and I are educated, wise people who have already broken a million stereotypes in this life alone.
With the hope of getting somewhere closer to equality, I will share some requests, both to men and women.
To men, because you like being at the forefront:
It’s okay to tell the women in your life (mother, friends, partner, sister, colleagues) to take a chill pill. Just like men need ego massage, women need validation too.
This one is for men who have a woman at home (mother, wife, sister, grandma), please help them at home, even if you are the CEO of a multi billion dollar multinational company. Even the most elite women of the most privileged households have a lot to manage, even if they have help for everything. Please, please try to make your home a place for equals.
To women, and please please open both your eyes and ears as you plaster this in your head:
Blow your own trumpet. Yes you care about the work and not about the validation, but unfortunately, jo dikhta hai wo bikta hai. Make sure everybody hears what you do. The only time you need to be quiet is sharing how much you earn because everyone is ready to put an evil eye on you. But please be shameless and share your struggles as well as your achievements. Unabashedly. Repeatedly. Like your parents do about your achievements.
If you take on more than your job at your work, ask for more money. And better title. If the company cannot afford to pay you, you cannot afford to work more than you are supposed to. You already do your charity in your own ways, you do not need to slog at work by being underpaid and over-exhausted. I learnt this the HARD way, and that is why I am telling you, my dear.
Lastly, a secure human (man or woman) would only cheer for you. If someone is pulling you down for your achievements, they are insecure. And every insecurity about others is a reflection of one’s own self. So my friend, even if someone you love and care about is pulling you down, please tell them: “You’re insecure, don’t know what for!”
Now, I’d like to close at a trivial instance that I have not been able to take out of my mind for months:
In late March of this year, I was at my parents’ home for a week or so. One evening, around 8 o’clock, my elder sister and her 6-year-old son came to our home. She was carrying a stash of books. They both had gone shopping for my nephew’s new session beginning in school in a day or two. At the same time, my Jijaji (my sister’s husband) also came over. He was returning from his work. He saw my sister and nephew coming home too.
Apparently they had all decided to meet at our home. Their home is at far end of the city, and ours is closer to the stationery shop they went to.
Anyway, as my Jijaji enters, my sister asks him, “You want water?”
He nods his head. And she, the tired soul, who went for shopping with her son, managing a kid since morning, went to work the whole day, and then did a double shift by shopping for the kid; walked to the kitchen and got her husband a glass of water.
Full marks for being a caring wife.
But what makes her husband think the wife does not need water? Why could he not give water to her as well? If not by walking, why did he not ask her if she had something?
(PS: My Jijaji is someone who loves and respects me the most. So do I. So this is not a bash post against him. What we are talking about here is conditioning. And also because I know my sister more than anyone else. Anyway, let’s continue:)
My sister always wanted a daughter before my nephew was born. She is a hardcore feminist. But when her son was born, she decided she will raise a man who knows how to be a feminist, and one who respects and cares for women.
Alas, the son is only watching her actions more than listening to her words!
And if someone is not as empathetic as her mom, the mom really needs to ask for water before she serves it.
So, to EVERY SINGLE MAN reading this, today, for no reason, can you please get up and serve water to every single woman in your home? Please? Can we women, for 10 seconds feel what it is like to experience care without asking for it?
You don’t need to tell me that you did it, but for the women/woman in your house, one glass of water is all it takes to change the world.
Oh yes, and don’t tell her why you did it. Just tell her there is no reason. And watch how happy she is.
2 Raw One-Liners:
Unusual suggestion on how to become fearless:
Make money. Build a corpus. Tell no one in your family, friends or social media.
Only after you start practising genuine gratitude all your day, do you realise it does bring everything to life. Everything.
3 (for) Real blogs I wrote lately that I am loving (and hopefully you will too):
Thanks for reading, bro!!
If you liked reading this, you’d love my e-books too. Get them right away on your WhatsApp:
20s versus 30s: The strange and unique differences between the two most important decades of your life
The Corporate Life Handbook: If you are in corporate job and struggle with daily humdrums of it, one-pagers with harsh truths are something no one is going to tell you :)
The Career Changing Guide: If you are looking for a sign, this is it :)
How to Deal with Heartbreak: A book almost everyone needs but no one gives you right in your hand. If you don’t need this, get this for a friend you know certainly needs it.
Every Writer Needs to Read this: A book I wish I had 11 years ago when I was starting out as a writer