Raw and Real Conversation
Hello hello my friend,
We have started feeling a nip in the air in Delhi NCR. Fans have gone slower, socks are ready to be used again, and the kind of jackets you wear in the Mumbai winters have at least come out.
Chalo, now, dhandhe ki baat.
I usually do life lessons recall at the end of the year, but for the past 15 days or so, my mind was so flooded with 5 short life lessons, that there was was no taking them out of the system unless I shared them with you.
These are unlike a lot of lessons I have shared so far. I hope you enjoy this change:
One, you cannot change people.
In the last three months, I have lost my temper twice. Not in the sense of using abusive words or loud language. But rather asking the other person who was clearly wrong to have a certain sense of mind.
And then I later figured two things:
One, people become defensive over non-existent matters. Especially if they are expecting compliance.
Two, nobody changes because you, whom they wronged, asked them to change.
So there is absolutely no point taking away my golden stars or brownie points for someone else’s behaviour.
We all still need to figure how to strongly enforce meaningful change while being kind, but asking people to change hardly works.
Especially if they don’t want to change.
Two, a room of one’s own changes your life.
Virginia Woolf’s book “A Room of One’s Own” has been staring at me from the bookshelf for months, hoping I would start reading it soon. But before I read the original text, here is what a place of my own has done for me:
When I am in a place of processing things, I call my Mom, do the usual greetings, and then I put my phone on silent. It does not exist for me anymore and remains untouched for hours. For hours. I then do anything I like: clean, write, read, stare out of the window, even nap.
A room of one’s own allows you to be yourself. It allows you to deal with life’s challenges in solitude, no one bears the brunt of you being weird at the moment, and that silence makes change happen.
Everyone must have a room of one’s own, where you make a lot of things happen for yourself. Hence, for everyone else as well.
Three, perspective is all you have.
Steve Jobs had appointed Walter Isaacson as his official biographer, because he perhaps knew his end was near.
At some point the two even had a conversation to the effect where Jobs agreed that he himself wouldn't like what was going to go in his biography.
The book spoke of a lot of "reality distortion field" of Steve. And not taking away from the great book it is, most readers walked away thinking of how alpha Jobs was. Excellently written, but in my opinion, somehow failed to capture the essence of who Steve became eventually.
Which was later presented in several books, but two of which were written by Steve's close inner circle. The books were "Creativity Inc." and "Becoming Steve Jobs". These were the books that clearly showed how he mellowed down especially after starting Pixar. And how he became more considerate.
It has been years since I read these three books. And to date it makes me wonder of how often a change in perspective about someone changes everything. Especially once you get to know them.
Four, you can never make anybody happy by numbing yourself.
Let us say you are going to play a basketball match this weekend. It is not only good for your body, but also your mind and emotions are so much better when you play basketball every weekend.
If a relative comes over unannounced and asks you not to go one day, you might suppress yourself and not go; but that lack of recharge will haunt you the entire week. On the other hand, if you go play basketball and then spend time with them, you are happier both ways. And in the process, your relative will end up feeling more joyful with you than ever.
In order to help others, we must have helped ourselves.
Five, what kind of life do you want, comfortable or uncomfortable?
I recently started working with a nutritionist for a unique 2-month program. The program is nothing like “2 mahine mein 2 inch kam” kinda lol. The program rather trains us to form healthy eating, sleeping, exercise and activity habits, that sustain us long term.
For the first 24 hours after my first call, I was so outright shaken. She said “you are doing 70% great, but these are the 30% things we could change.” And then we listed 3 things I was going to do for the next 14 days.
It was uncomfortable pro max. Still is, to some extent.
But if you really want your life to be comfortable, there is no other way than to make peace with comfortable discomfort. There is no other way baby.
Isn’t it?
2 Raw One-Liners:
When no one is watching you, that is the truest test of your values.
Everything else is simply a performance.
Productivity is inversely proportional to your screen time.
3 (for) Real things I have been grateful for lately:
Too engrossed in work that my body is forcing me to work on that project, and does not still unless I do. It has never really happened to me, and I believe it is some sort of Universe’s way of nudging me.
Had a fun chat with a client yesterday. We were obviously discussing writing a chapter of her book, but the ability to laugh in such interactions always leaves you better.
October weather in Delhi. Nothing could ever top that baby!
Btw, exactly a year back, I was hanging around with my cousins in Dubai. Sharing a few pictures here because I am non-existent on Instagram these days :)
Btw, I need your help.
One quick question for you: If I had to give a TED talk, what topic do you think I would give the best-in-the-world talk on?
I am doing this for a special project that I will tell you next month, but for now, your response would mean a lot. Humans who read this newsletter every month and invest their emotions here would certainly give more meaningful responses than emotionless AI :)
Just reply to this email or leave a comment.
Thank you 😊🙏
Nishtha Gehija
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